karma: do v have a love hate relationship?

this is it
time to write bout whatever i wan again..
gosh, wat a year.....
so many drama........................
lolz at the of it all, it was worth going through shit..
i'm naturally a neutral person so y do i still go through so much shit?
this is world there are the planners, actors, directors and then there are spectators.
of coz i am nt a planner, i can be an actor, definitely not a director and i am without doubt a spectator. i like observing and learning.. i dun like getting involved face to face with something.. i'm the one who is always there but is never entirely at the front. the only time i'm in front is wen i'm pushed to be at the front.. n its never by choice.. lolz..
as a spectator i observe, take it all in, and i see things that normally ppl miss out.. i learn faster n i know who to trust better than the rest. is it a gift? nah.. i'm just a very boring person who likes to do nothing but observe..

nowadays the world of men really puzzles me.. shud i or shudn't i? that is the question..
if i listen to my heart then yea definitely i shudnt.. bt then again there's still the longing for it to happen.. as a person.. shud i? haha.. i'm emo.. or at least that's what ppl like to categorise me as.. i'm a loner, i'm an observer, and i rather suffer in silence than to pretend i'm happy.. therefore, i'm emo? lol... dun pity me.. suffering in silence is blissful..

this year, i broke up with a guy i was in love with.. and after that i fell for a guy who wouldn't leave me alone for all the right reasons.. n then he broke up with me for the same reasons i broke up wit the first guy.. life truely is ironic.. bt i understand, coz he did it for our own good, just like i did it for the other guy..

then now i find myself still longing for the same kind of love from the same guy so many miles away.. y is it wen i finally found someone who can give me the exact same love i give has to be someone who is so far away? we r perfect for each other, or at least i thought so and i still think so.. i wanna see him again, if i dun i dunno if i can ever get over him.. i wanna see him again, cry the remanining tears in my heart, n i wanna move on n not give up in finding happiness.. or i can always suffer in silence.. dat is my specialty..

now i am offered an alt to cont till the day i do see him again n get my heart broken again just for the sake of pleasuring my conceince by suffering.. hooray..
shud i take it? i am lying to myself.. n there can nvr b anyone better for me than him but shud i still do it just coz i miss him too much i need another body to help me get through the next few months? is it even right for me to do it though 'the body' says it is ok and he needs me as well to fulfill some sick twisted logic he convinced himself its alright...

is it cheating? n would it come back to haunt me? karma is a bitch afterall.. its nt like i'm hurting myself or him.. bt i think i'll b hurting his gf.. though its his fault n he knows whats going on and all.. n his logic is so...crazy that he thinks its alright.. crazy n ridiculous.. i would nvr do dat ever! bt since he thinks its fine.. shud i still go through with it though it's platonic.. i mean wont i also be responsible????????? gah akfksdnfowijf!!