gastric pain

what is happening? i feel like we r no longer or at least i am no longer the same for him anymore..

am i going crazy or is it really how it is...

that the truth is finally out..

first he said he was going back to his hometown without stating the fact that i was going home wit him.. i was really hurt but he kept on a normal conversation while i was hurt that he decided to leave me behind after weeks of not spending time with each other... n then he said that his ego kept him from reminding me because he was hurt too... is that how it is? that his ego had to get in the way of a better ending to that hurtful conversation?

second, he himself forgot he was gonna take me to a trip to conquer mount kinabalu with him after he decided he doesn't want to celebrate his friends birthday... and he went on talking bout it like i was never intended to follow him at all.... making plans however he wants and me? well i just have to wait at the side like a good girl for my fate that he has yet to announce... whether to go or not to go without consulting me of coz or even remembering that i actually applied leave for him in the first place.. at the end he decided to celebrate his friends birthday and immediately my status is to celebrate his friends birthday just like dat without an apology or the courtesy to tell me first..

third, he said we weren't spending much time with each other and told me that he would send me off before another week of not spending time with each other... but then at the last min he decided to go back instead of giving me the few hours that he promised... at first there was the time i was told that one hour together was already enough now suddenly i am not worth any at all.. then finally he gave me a reason y he wanna go back which is to see his sick sister but what i dun understand is why can't he go back the next day? y must be the last day we get to see each other till weeks later? i mean he could always go back a few hours later.. bt no i guess i dun deserve my promises..

but its my fault really... i depend on him too much till i forgot to love myself...

nothing

i shud have just said ntg......
i dunno y i tot it'd b any different this time really
it happened b4, it'll happen again
y did i think it ll b any different
yea u think u r different
bt i'd believe dat if u din reACT n say things dat r da same as the rest
sure u r a romantic
sure u understand
really? do u really think so?
i may nt b understanding in ur eyes
bt hey were u really dat understanding to begin wit
yea sure u do hav ur level of understanding
bt really? do u think u do understand everything?
my reASONs n my past may nt b AS tragic as urs
bt does dat make me any less human than u?
yea i did something wrong
even if i did the right thing it may b wrong to someone else
so hey as usual i take the blame
yes i am wrong
i am a bitch
yea im out to ruin ur life
bla bla bla blahhhh
y is it dat it is always my fault?
u put me on the spot
i had to choose between protecting ur feelings by lying to u or tell the truth n face a sad perhaps angry face till the day we break up because of all the doubts of untold feelings
we were practically strangers at dat time
hw would i know better if u were to hate me or respect me for dat
n now after 6 months together ur taking back n doubting everything i said or say for something dat happened on day 1
words r easy to say
but actions take every passion in u to do it
so i stand corrected
was everything dat i suffered everything dat i sacrifice for you meant ntg just because of dat L word?
i guess i should have just said ntg

men!!!!????

owh fuck this!!!!
i am irrational?? emotional????
but above all IRRATIONAL???
nt every fucking thing i do or feel is irrational!!!!
if it is really irrational then wat the fuck do u wan??
me to nt have feelings n b a fucking robot?????
i feel something i hav no control of n i'm wrong to feel dat way???
i am fucking irrational to feel dat way????
i am FUCKING PUNISHING US?????
DO U FUCKING THINK I WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS??
DO U THINK I FUCKING WANNA THINK OF U FUCKING 2 OTHER GIRLS WHEN I MISS YOU???
BT NOOOO.... I AM PUNISHING US!!!!
WAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???
I TELL U HOW I FEEL COZ I HOPE FOR SOME CLOSURE
MAYBE SOME EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING
AND YES IT DOES FUCKING BOTHER ME TO FEEL LIKE THIS
HAVING IMAGES LIKE THIS POPPING IN MY MIND DOES BOTHER ME
THEY UPSET ME
THEY DISGUST ME
OF COZ THEY DUN DISGUST U IF ITS ME IN IT INSTEAD!!!
COZ THEY R NT FUCKING TRUE!!!!!
IT BOTHERS ME COZ I REALLY FEEEL LIKE I'M TASTING ALL THE OTHER GIRLS YOU FUCKED!!!
WAT MAKES ME SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM THEM TO YOU THEN??
i dunno wat feelings u had wat was going through ur mind???
then wat about my feelings?????????
y cant i have feelings tooooooo???????????????
i want to nt feel like this
i want to trust u
i want u to b there wen i need u the most
bt u say I'M PUNISHING US FOR FEELING DAT WAY???
FUCK YOU!
N YET U DUN UNDERSTAND SHIT N U FUCKING DARE SAY IM FUCKING IRRATIONAL???
DO U EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND I WAN TO HAVE FLASHES OF U FUCKING 2 GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME?????????
NO I'M PUNISHING US!!!!!
I AM FUCKING PUNISHING US???!!!!!
YEA SURE UR AFRAID I'LL CRASH AND BURN
IF U CAN EVEN THINK I CAN CRASH AND BURN, THEN Y CANT U SEE???
Y CANT U FUCKING UNDERSTAND WAT I'M GOING THROUGH????
NOOOOOOOO
I . AM . PUNISHING . US !!!!

wet pillow

ah time to blog or i'll burst again..
nah la i cant burst even if i want to actuallly
too good in keeping all my feelings bottled up, compressed and compressed some more to feel any real sorrow
bt then again if dats da case y do i then feeeeellll sad hurt and totally used like a bloody tampoon
lolz
i dun understand myself anymore so it seems
its funny really to find tears for a wound in ur chest only to find out why it was there in the first place?
did somebody put it there? whats really bothering you?
why u ask?
well it coz of my awesome skills of just chucking everything that feels anything negative into a pool of negativity and then bury it and nt think bout it anymore
so good in fact i am so confused as to wat the heck is going on inside my head
bt at least this time i know wat i'm so hurt about
how is this ok? how to make it ok?
after the things i've done, i do look in the mirror and i ask myself wat have i done, feeling disgusted with myself.. but wat if one day, u meet someone, fall in love and found out that he's even dirtier than you?
makes u think alot more huh......
suddenly u revaluate everything that happened between you two
n suddenly the picture you painted of him for yourself turns how to be the ugliest picture ever laid eyes on coz it's just a figment of your own imagination
yea how could you love him more after wat he has done in the past
you wonder how he sleeps at nite and you wonder hw he could look himself in the mirror and still likes the slut he is
bt who am i to judge? if this is the case.. y am i still wit him?
can i even still be wit him?
look at him like how i looked at him before?
it feels like i hit a rough patch, felll down and scrapped my knee but y do i feel like my chest is hurting instead

booze

today never really started and now i dunno how its gonna end..
as i play this sad song again again again and again..
i learn to live a little longer..
as i play this sad song again again again and again
i felt the stab in my chest
the tightness in my breathes
my irregular intakes of air
the rythm of my beating heart gets faster and gets louder
emitting echo of its pounds to the walls of my body
wat did i do wrong?
why did it have to end now?
wat should i do now?
to end this misery.........
just as easy as he was to add himself in my life
just within those mins he deleted me from his
just hw long can i keep this strong face?
lol
it just broke......

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this!!!!
im so angry with myself!
im so angry with myself!!!
im so angry with myselfffffffffffff!!!!!!!!
fffuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!
fuck this fuck dat fuck everything!!!!!!!!

shit this world
fuck this world..
i know this is life bt once upon a time when i thought the world was good.. they took away my dad..
i dun get it.. how come stuff always happen to ppl who thinks maybe there really is some good in this world...
i dunno..... u tell me im nt wrong.... u tell me its nt my fault...
so nw wat? y do i feel like im worng.....
wat do i tell myself?? i tell myself he's just here to satisfy my sex drive.....
just like he's here to satisfy his.......
coz his gf is nt around.. he needs so just let go......
he doesnt feel dat way bout me.....
he just want me for my body.......
yea keep telling urself dat roz......