Tuesday, December 15, 2009
13 dec 2009
so tightly
so desperately
till your hands bleed a crimson red
you refuse to let go
do you know?
do you see?
what's at the end of your fingertips
can you tell?
can you see?
that it was bleeding as well
can you feel?
can you touch?
that intensive pain surpassing everything else
all these years...
if it hurts, my right palm hurts
i thought the reason why it didn't hurt in my chest
was cause the pain was too great
till i couldn't feel it anymore
just like slicing your skin with a hot blade
you can never feel it dancing through your flesh
on december the 13th
i realise that all these years
i was wrong about that pain
just like when your heart breaks
when your sanity is smashed to your head
what do you really see?
' yea, i don't believe you '
those words stung me undescribably
those eyes piercing my soul
all i heard was the breaking of a string
old, tired, weary from trying to hold it all together
what did it really mean?
disappointment?
disbelieve?
discontent?
what?
then you feel a pull in your hands
what is it trying to free itself from your grip?
it's crying
it's screaming
it's bleeding
what?
why....?
are you still holding on to it?
when you know..
it was a part of you that is the most vulnerable
why would you still hold on to it?
when it would make you feel better if you just let it go
i thought it was me trying to hold on to him...
i thought it was me holding on to the very last shread of hope
just something that would still hold me together
no matter how desperate it wants to abandon me
i thought.... wrong...
it was my heart..
crying
bleeding
pleading
i was holding on it
i still wanted it in my grasp
i still wanted it in my reach
i didn't want to lose my last reason for not giving up
and then it slipped
just when i held on to it too tightly
it slipped through my fingers
leaving me behind on my own
leaving me numb
leaving me with absolutely nothing at all
a shell with no more emotions to be called human
is this why i can longer be with the one who caused my heart to run?
that i still don't know..
all i know now,
is that i no longer have the strength to cry anymore..
for emotions that i no longer have nor am i capable of..
Friday, December 4, 2009
shun oguri

he's da man! woooo....
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
u.t.a.r is my choice?
da last time i went to the office to check the bar list personally, the fucking stupid office guy told me he'll call me... eventhough i told him like a gazillion times dat my hp is nt working, dats y i came personally to ask..... then he says, 'no no.. we will call you if u kena bar, for sure'.
for sure lo.. kanasai.. my hp already not working de then he say they'll call me.. for sure somemore!
you say swt bo?
in conclusion, he's either fucking deaf or fucking stupid.. or just plain bloody fucking stupid and deaf!
then now...
i kena bar like for real..... why? because of the fucking utar staff and fucking stupid utar system that seems to be useless everyday! so in fact i din kena bt then kena juga..
i ask my tutor how come like dat? 'ooo.. coz the utar system is currently not working...'
then i ask stupid office ppl... 'oooo... its nt the system, its the lecturer's and tutor's fault'
zzzzz..... just take the fucking stupid blame la if it's really your fault!
UTAR! CAN U BE ANY MORE STUPID-ER THAN YOU ALREADY ARE??
did i like 'tek cui' you before???????
since u have so many students, u cannot take the extra cash u make from us and improve your stupid fucking system that always seems to be the fucking problem?
where is all the fucking money going???? kopitiam? mistress? gigolo? arab wife??
my hp spoil also you claim you can call in!
now, i din kena bar also wanna bar me!
then all also... 'erm, this ar that ar.... not my fault ar... my cibai fucking icthy ar....'
seriously!! HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE???
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
elean
i'm gonna kill u........................................................................................................................................
i bet u dunno how it feels to drown......................................................................................................
i'm gonna kill u....................................................................
cause u kill my precious pendrive............................................................................
unless u find and buy for me another limited edition red and gold year of the mouse pendrive that my mom gave me.......................................................................................................................................
Monday, November 16, 2009
finance management hag
YOU STUPID BLOODY BLIND WOMAN! CURSE YOUR CIBAI ITCHY TILL THE DAY YOU DIE!!!
NOT ONLY UTAR DAMN BLOODY STUPID TO BEGIN WIT, THE PAYMENT COME OUT LATE THEN GIVE PPL SHOCK COZ TWO DAYS AFTER IT CAME OUT IS THE DEAD LINE LIAU.. THEN CHANGE AGAIN! MA KIANG EH! MUST MAKE PPL CALL U KANASAI ONLY SATISFY IS IT???
THEN CAUSE I CANT GET BANKDRAFT N I DUN HAVE PUBLIC BANK AGAIN I MA PAY THROUGH MAYBANK LO (bro's account)... i din know cant pay like dat bt even so i show the BLOODY BLIND HAG the receipt... THE BLOODY WORD 'MAYBANK' SO DAMN BIG ALSO CANNOT SEE! SOMEMORE YOU READ LIKE SO THOROUGHLY THEN SOMEMORE SAY IT'S OK BUT JUST DAT UTAR SYSTEM DOWN THEN CANT CHECK FOR ME.. OK NVM.. SHE DIN SAY CANT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.. I GIVE HER THE RECEIPT LIKE 5 DAYS B4 DEADLINE..
then now my bro say BLOODY UTAR din receive.. SO I GO ASK DAT STUPID BLOODY BLIND HAG AGAIN.. THEN SHE SAY HER CIBAI ITCHY THEN MAKE HER BLIND DAT DAY (my summary after all her list of unexpectations and bullshits and insignificant excuses she threw at me)... MALEH! THE BLOODY MAYBANK WORD ON TOP AND SO BLOODY DAMN BIG THAT EVEN FISH CAN SEE! THEN THIS HUMAN WEAR SPECS ACTUALLY BLIND ONE TELL ME errr... actually we dun expect our students to pay from other bank etc... SHIT LA! GO TO HELL LA! CIBAI ITCHY LA!!
IF REALLY CANNOT THEN COULD HAVE TOLD ME LIKE B4??? FOR INSTANCE THE FIRST TIME I SHOWED IT TO YOU??? LIKE HELLO??????????????? OR IS IT YOUR CIBAI ITCHY TILL YOU BECOME BLIND AND STUPID AT THE SAME TIME???
Monday, October 26, 2009
sad love stories
the first love novel i own was Memoirs of a Geisha. the bitterness of being a geisha in their everyday life was a wonderful insight to the fact that geishas are not allowed to have feelings.. at least not to one particular man.. but in the Sayuri, the herione in the story, did end up with the man she loved, after much hardship and heartache.
my favourite love novel was Pride and Prejudice. it was by far the best, the most clever, and had the most charisma written in a story of love, rejection and hate. i felt it was downright funny and intriguing how the two lead characters fought, argued; for her sister and his best friend, and finally ended up falling so much in love that it's ridiculous! i mean anyone could have guessed the end.. but if you were reading and even if you were the most ironic person who has ever lived, you would still want Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy to end up together at the end. it seems like the story, just like Romeo and Juliet, was also a fantasy to all.. that all of us, deep in our hearts, actually wanted to find a Mr. Darcy, the man who despite his ego, falsity, charisma for the higher rank, to sum it up, the arrogant, piece of shit knight on a silver white horse, would be willing to stoop and knell, just as how he did to Elizabeth, in front of you and devote his entire life to you, with his heart on his palm for you.
another love novel i read was A Walk to Remember. as usual, it was funny, painful, and almost boring then suddenly she died! i was like What The Fuck for one hour! ok.. before i go on.. i have to say, it was before korean love dramas became popularised on the whole, one-lead-character-must-die-then-only-end concept/impact. it came out wen i was 15 years and i was only 13 or 14 when i read the book so it was a big surprise. but yea.. i guess she dies, and that left a hole in his heart.. bla bla bla.. the end.. but the way the writer wrote it, it was like i could feel how he felt, the loss he felt, how the hole in his heart would never ever heal even when he's 55 years old. aiya.. till the day he die la.. ish.. but there was alot of christianity in it, so i think it kinda made me lose interest and bored me.. till the death part.. haha.. then i was plenty awake to cont reading..
finally i read.... argh i cant believe i'm gonna say it... the vampire saga,...... argh!! Twilight la!! ok.. sorry for sounding like dat, just dat anyone who knew me well would probably screw their eyebrows in disbelieve if they knew i was reading this lovey-dovey vampire story.. haha! i have to say, the book was really not as bad as it looked.. it was a mix of reality with a taste of legendary creatures such as werewolves and vampires.. even so.. the story is only centered on the love between Bella and Edward, there was hardly any action in it, cept for the last 200 pages (300 pages before is love stuff that made me frustrated and read faster so to get to the action or important parts). but i have to say... like seriously.... the first book, Twilight sucks to the max!.. the writing style sucks, the way she wrote the conversations between Bella and Edward made Edward looked and sounded like the most depressing vampire, who suffered from a case of change-expression-from-severely-depressed-to-severely-angry-to-severely-depressed-to-severely-happy and the circle goes on and on in one single paragraph made of 5 lines of conversation with Bella.. this Bella pulak le.. suffered from liking to play the, I-have-to-look-at-the-multiple-and-colourful-expression-carefully-and-in-detail-to-see-what-ticks-the-vampire-off game syndrom. seriously, if she was the ever so calm and whatever character she was supposed to be, she wouldn't act the way she acted around Edward. it should be like she was just chilling, hanigng out with her boyfriend even if he was a vampire. but...! but.... the rest of the other books such as New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn were ok.. getting better in fact... just the first book sucks and story line boring...
hmmm.. all and all.. British books are better.. not meaning the stories, just the style of writing..
but what i like about these books are that, all love stories has a side effect or a down side, where one of the characters will get hurt and get nothing in the end.. even if they played an important role in the story, they are still casted to the side.. it makes the story kinda real in its own context.. just like Paris in Romeo and Juliet..
for instance, in Memoirs of a Geisha, Nobu was casted aside by Sayuri, even though, if it werent for him, she would be dead in the war, she would go hungry, she would just be a nobody. it was his affections and love for her, that held her through her bitter days, the person who brought her back to life and it was also him that she chosed to hurt by commiting adultry with another random man in order to break his heart.
then, in Pride and Prejudice, it was cause of the misunderstandings of Mr. Darcy that drove away Elizabeth. see.. jane, Elizabeth's sister loves Darcy's best friend, and he loves her too.. but cause Jane's family like not suitable, then he convinced him to let go.. and he let go he did.. so she was pissed, he was pissed, all pissed and misunderstood.. wat i'm trying to say is dat, Darcy's character was the strong type, he was rich, powerful, and all that, but he was willing to do all he could so dat Elizabeth would forgive him. not only did she forgave him, she was totally wrong about him, and soon she saw him differently.. the side effect, was the insecure feeling that occur when you realised you actually love the person and now you dun know how to face him after all that happened, and you dun know how to apologise and walk away.. because you realise you love him too much to just walk away..
then in the vampire saga, i could actually feel what Jacob felt when Bella rejected him. i mean he was there for her and all that shit, then when her vampire came back, she cabut.. haha! well, it ended up quite ok in the end with his being 'imprinted' to a new born baby.. swt.. it sounds weirder than i tot it would be.. haha.. but before what weird thing i said, i could feel the betrayal, the pain he must have felt to be rejected again and again eventhough the girl clearly used him and actually is in love with him.. haha.. obviously a children's book.. and can be quite misleading eh.. cause for one: there would never be a 'guy' like Edward, only guys like jacob who makes you laugh, protects you, warms you up on cold days and tries to be the best man he could to complete your life (ok.. maybe guys like him are rare as well, but we all know he's out there) so it's kinda.. ok.. really hurting when i read that this 'kind of' guy was in constant pain and despair, inflicted by one such as Bella.. he deserves so much better from her, yet this was all he got.. despair and pain right in the middle of where it hurts the most..
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
quick and fast updates
my outfit for the afternoon reception.. ok.. i know it looks nothing like me.. haha.. i got responses like fairy, goldfish, and cake.. haha! all and all i did attract attention (good or bad, its still attention so just fuck off!:p) than the million of people who were there and none looked the any other than normal.. haha! *covering up for being the fairy goldfish cake of the moment*
after the afternoon reception, went for a quick bath then its off to the bridal house for hair and make up! look so damn freaking diff after make up! could make an ugly bitch look like an angel! that's my mom beside me, complaining that my make up is better than hers... haha..! blek! take that mom!
me,in a black satin toga dress, and stanley, in his black formal wear for the night.
so bla bla bla.. at my bro's wedding, it was a blast! it wasn't like the usual weddings where the people just 'cia' some flashy chinese singing doll wannabe to entertain the guest like in those opera where the ghost gates open.. it was better... way way way better! not coz it was my brother but the guest were lively! they were 'steady' and 'can swim' one! partcipated whenever they could..!
me and my cousin, Alex
but the best part was when the groom walked the bride into the room for the first time in her white wedding gown.. my bro, being the great legendary romantic ass he once were in his notorious days, serenaded his wife down the aisle.. it was the most romantic act ever! putting all his heart into the melodic words 'you look wonderful tonight' was heartfelt and i'm sure everyone in the room felt his sincerity..
oops i'm so into the moment.. haha.. at the end.. the band thanked us for employing them coz they had such a good time.. we all danced at the dance floor, me and stanley especially.. we usually dun dance to old slow songs cept to like clubbing song!! ppl are still talking bout the great time they had my bro's wedding till now and they all asked the same thing to me 'so when are you gonna get married?'. Seriously it's annoying after being asked more than 5 times.
after the wedding, got back to the shit hole by airplane and taxi then back to the bloody damn exams again!!
then after my exams it was back to the food paradise island with me.. thank god!! it was all b irthdays, playing counter strike, and eat eat and eat!! not much to update and nothing interesting happened this sem break cept for the sweetest anniversary ever that i had with stanley...!
he cooked me a westerned style dinner with the best mushroom sauce(more mushrooms as i like it), and teriyaki cod fish! finished with cake that he mixed for me..! yummy! btw, my mom loves it! i'm afraid she might love him more than i do.. the tot is kinda scary! lol
say hi to my siamese fighter! Ferrari^^
and finally after years and years of thinking of rearing a fighting fish, i finally did it!! i bought the most beautiful and elegant red siamese fighter i have ever seen! forget bout other fish that was worth like 25 bucks and more! mine was only 3 bucks and has the value of a million gazillion bucks in the most freaking currency on earth!! he has my shade of red that radiates royalty and crown fins that were just so perfect when they flare in anger! besides that, the body is the same perfect shade of red with purple streaks outlining the scales if you look really close!
if u ever up for a fight i'll feel sorry for your fish cause my fish reacts to a freaking plastic spoon, than the usual only reaction to either it's own reflection or other fish that is of the same species! so just imagine the real thing right in front of it.. if he sees something foreign, he'll just go for the kill, no observation or questions asked! even if its just a plastic spoon..
last but not least, i straighten my sarang burung of a hair finally with the financial support from my mom!! wahhahah!
